[From the Archive] I Have This Great Idea

This was from 2009 – but always relevant. I really am trying to be better about keeping up with the archive part. Really. 😎
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If most writers had a nickel for every time a conversation began with the words, “I have this fantastic idea…” we could all retire from our day jobs and solely write fiction – and maybe indulge in those fantastic ideas. Unfortunately, we don’t have that nickel. So we have to politely and patiently decline these soul’s generous offers – usually ending with “you write the story, and we’ll split the profits.”

Now that the maniacal laughter has stopped, let’s look at why we must cold-heartedly refuse and how to be callous, horrible people in a professional and gentle manner. Because, really, it is for their own good – and ours as writers and even publishers – oh, the poor publishers…

What most of these well-meaning souls don’t quite understand is this. Most writers have no problems coming up with their own ideas. Plot bunnies are just about everywhere, and they pop up in great quantities. We don’t have time enough in the day, or in our careers, to work out all our own plot bunnies to help with other people’s plot bunnies.

There are polite ways to gently letdown this incredible offer without alienating the person or (hopefully) having to call security – or worse. However, each situation is different and needs to be evaluated on its own merits. Sometimes, seriously, calling security is absolutely the option you should pursue – but, for 90% of all situations, diplomacy can work.

• I Don’t Want to be Influenced – this is the calmest, most flattering way to brush someone off. If their idea is in any way, shape, or form similar to something you are even thinking of working on, you can tell them to stop and tell them you don’t want your idea unduly influenced. This is a time-honored excuse and back-handed compliment. It’s also partially the truth. The human brain hangs on to the darnedest things, and in a world of frivolous lawsuits, you don’t want to put anything into a story that could come back to haunt you.
• Cash Up Front – if your person is insistent on how utterly brilliant their idea is and how much money it’s going to make if only someone else (you) write it – for the inevitable split of the profits – then counter with a Cash Up Front policy. I know writers who immediately start throwing words like “contract” and “escrow” around. This tends to be a starter’s pistol for people to run. Keep this tactic in mind for the insane amount of stuff which shows up on job boards like Craigslist. Too many people are deluded into thinking writing isn’t time-consuming WORK and writers should have their time monetarily valued. Dude, writers are human – we actually like eating regularly and paying rent/mortgages.
• No One Writes Your Story Better Than You – this is my personal favorite. It’s a polite way of saying, “Do your own homework!” Your story is your story – not mine. No writer can write the story as well as the person who thought it up. Only the person with the story – whether non-fiction (life) or fiction – has the heart, passion, whatever into the project necessary to make it brilliant.

It’s not an easy thing to brush off a well-meaning fan, wannabe writer, or well-meaning stranger, but it’s a necessary evil. A Writer’s Sanity is a fleeting and fragile thing, at best, by indulging in these constant requests will drive you over the edge. You have to turn these people away.

If you’re a publisher… I’m sorry. There are too many people out there who don’t know how things work in this industry (or any industry any more) and follow bad advice. In their passionate desire to get their story out there, they’ll call a publisher (or stalk them at a convention/meeting) out of the blue and try to plead their case. This is not the way to do it – no matter what pitchman, job search guru, etc. told them it might be – publishers no longer have the time, energy, inclination, or legal ability to package a concept with a writer (unless you’re Brad Pitt, Paris Hilton, or Celebrity D’Jour). Publishers need brilliant finished products that allow them to do as little as possible.

So, when it comes down to a simple bottom line. If you have a brilliant idea… write it yourself.